Lonely? Some say AI friends would help

This essay at After Babel is must reading for pastors -- period

The word “epidemic” is tossed around quite a bit, these days, and there’s a chance that many news consumers may be tempted, in a post COVID-19 world, to roll their eyes when they encounter that term.

However, here are some up-to-date statistics from the American Psychiatric Association that I think clergy may have a hard time ducking, the next time they look at the faces of their faithful folks.

Yes, this press-release contains the word “epidemic,” but I’ll skip over that to hit the actual numbers:

The latest Healthy Minds Monthly Poll from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) finds that, early in 2024, 30% of adults say they have experienced feelings of loneliness at least once a week over the past year, while 10% say they are lonely every day. Younger people were more likely to experience these feelings, with 30% of Americans aged 18-34 saying they were lonely every day or several times a week, and single adults are nearly twice as likely as married adults to say they have been lonely on a weekly basis over the past year (39% vs. 22%).

Some of those numbers should call to mind the “dating crisis” trends that are leading into what many now call a “marriage crisis” in modern America, and many other developed nations. Here is a conservative-media feature on that issue (since worrying about low marriage rates is “conservative”) that contains some key numbers

Ah, but maybe technology can help people fight off their loneliness? Let’s go back to that APA feature:

When asked about a change in their level of loneliness since before COVID, 43% of American adults said their levels of loneliness had not changed, 25% said they were lonelier, and 23% felt less lonely. Most saw a positive role for technology in social connections; most Americans agreed that technology “helps me form new relationships” (66%), “helps me connect with others more frequently” (75%), and “is beneficial for forming and maintaining relationships” (69%).

Here comes the #DUH statement:

However, adults are split on whether technology fosters “meaningful (54%)” or “superficial (46%)” relationships.

This leads me to another timely After Babel feature, by the London-based Freya India. This one is called, “Aren’t You Lonely? Friendship has become another joyless thing to do on a screen.”

A reminder: I allow myself to post about this information-packed website — operated by Jonathan “Anxious Generation” Haidt and his associates — every other week or so. I am well aware that I find it hard not to write about After Babel and digital-screens-culture content.

But, like I said, I really want pastors to stop and think about the issues in this post.

The key question: Should lonely people trust the “friends” that software will create for them at Snapchat AI and similar digital services that are right around the corner?

After all, as India notes, this Snapchat project would offer “someone to talk to every day who acts like a real friend.” Or how about the new Replika smartphone app that promises to provide: “THE chatbot for anyone who wants a friend with no judgment, drama, or social anxiety involved.”

Reading those claims put a shiver down my spine. How about you, pastors?

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Caption for this After Babel chart: Percent of 8, 10, and 12th-grade boys and girls who agree with the following statements: “I am often lonely” and“I usually have a few friends around that I can get together with” Source: Monitoring the Future. (Graph made by Zach Rausch, see spreadsheet)

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Let’s jump into one or two crucial chunks of the India article that gets down to the heart of all this. She starts at a recent Haidt talk in London:

… He asked members of Gen X and Baby Boomers to think back on their childhoods. He asked them to remember all the things they did, all the adventures they had, and then imagine removing 70% of the time hanging out with friends. At least 70%. Next remove hobbies, then risk, thrills, and adventures where you might have gotten hurt — imagine 80% of that gone. Now imagine growing up with what’s left. 

I felt a bit sick because I didn’t need to imagine. I never snuck out. I didn’t build a den or a hideout in the woods. I can’t remember goofing around in the park, or going on teenage adventures. And I know why. I came home from school and immediately loaded up MSN. I kept up Snapstreaks with my friends, alone in my room. When friends did come over for sleepovers, we took selfies for Facebook; we posted questions on anonymous messaging platforms like Ask.fm; we spoke to naked strangers on Omegle. Sometimes we sat side-by-side, scrolling.

Ready for the thesis statement?

Here’s what happened: when phone-based social media platforms emerged in the early 2010s they did not just take time away from real-life friendships. They redefined friendship for an entire generation. They gutted it. They removed the requirements of effort, of loyalty, even of meeting up, and replaced them with following each other back, exchanging a #likeforlike, and posing for selfies together. Facebook made becoming friends as easy as clicking a button. Snapchat reduced staying in touch to sending a black screen with the word STREAK. They took teenage friendship — which used to be full of friction, thrills and adventure — and made it another joyless thing to do on a screen. Another thing to be performed and marketed and publicly measured. …

And so, many of us don’t have friends anymore; we have followers. We don’t deeply care about each other’s lives; we consume them as content. We don’t have people we can be vulnerable with; we have people who view our Stories.

In conclusion (though there is much, much more to read) how do real people tell real friends from pretend friends? Here are some of India’s suggestions, some of the bottom-line realities that I don’t think pastors (and parents, teachers and counselors) can avoid from her post.

* Who will “come with you to the hospital if you called them at 3 a.m.”

* Who, instead of sending you a text or a direct message, will “drive over when something comes along in life and floors you.”

* Who shows up in person when “life brings you to your knees.” I took that “to your knees” phrase as a reference to real prayer — prayer with some hugs included.

Yes, India noted, some young people will insist that they will actually be lonelier without their social-media networks. They are afraid to give all of that up.

India relies: “… I get it. You’re right, in some sense. You will lose people. Your life will be quieter. But quieter from what?”

So, pastors, this post contains at least three points, but I admit that there isn’t a poem.

I still think this preaches. Read it all.