Interesting turn-around in these numbers. tradutionally men were all about women's looks while women were more about men's character-- or more crassly, their bank accounts. But maybe not? Did something change or was it always thus?
Terry, I’ve followed your work for many years and have deep respect for your contributions. On this issue, however, I believe your framing does not fully reflect the realities of women today. I lead a women’s network and closely track trends in female empowerment, and over the past decade the shift has been profound. With greater access to education and economic independence, women are no longer motivated to “settle.” Instead, they are seeking men who can bring grounded masculine leadership, emotional presence, and intentionality at a level higher than previous generations.
I agree with your broader premise, but my travels—including time spent in Korea—have made one thing clear: remnants of traditional patriarchy no longer resonate with young women. They do not want to be treated as secondary or self-sacrificing in the way their mothers often were. In fact, many explicitly say, “I don’t want my mother’s life.” This is true even for my daughters as well.
I also hear consistently that many men today struggle to initiate, take risks, travel, or lead relationally. This is not a moral failing, but it does signal a real need for coaching and mentorship to help men step more fully into connection and leadership with women.
I would welcome the opportunity to speak with you and share the trends we are observing firsthand. Women have changed dramatically in the last ten years. For relationships to thrive, men must evolve as well—learning to lead in ways that genuinely speak to the modern female heart.
Finally, I believe the church carries a profound responsibility to help men succeed in dating, marriage, and the formation of healthy families. This will require equipping men to meet women as they are today—rather than blaming technology, pop culture or social media. Men need practical tools, guidance, and formation that enable them to connect with women in new and meaningful ways, appropriate to the realities of modern life.
Shirin Taber, Executive Director, Empower Women Media
P.S. If you are open to it, I would love to continue the conversation with you. Feel free to reach out at:shirin@empowerwomen.media
I have wondered why everyone gets so excited about falling below the replacement birthrate. If the birthrate never falls below that rate, the population will continue to increase. Why isn't it possible for the population to decline and then stabilize at a lower population. I understand that there will be a tough transition. I don't know for how long. But I don't believe that declining population requires that humans are going extinct. We've had declining populations before during war and pestilence.
I get non-subscriber posts from Cartoons Hate Her (CHH), a 36 year-old married woman, living in San Francisco with two IVF children. She carefully hides her identity, thus the CHH title. What she majors in, often in a humorous way, is just the kind of topic you discuss here.
She both explores data and creates it. The data you cite I've heard from her before. Her own studies suggest that part of the reason is that men just don't spend as much time as women trying to look good. She is pro-natalist and explores anti-natalist attitudes. She argues that her data shows that men aren't rejecting women because they make too much money. She likes to confront the clichés about modern relationships.
Do you talk about it? Sure. But I'd argue two other things. 1) Due to the boomer worship wars and the anemic doctrinal quality of the winners in those wars, most churches don't have a basis from which to address this. They are functionally antinomian and at least part of this is the law's advice on your best life. They are also missing the more traditional pastoral relationship that could talk about tough things. The disgruntled bus runs non-stop these days. 2) The demographics of the congregations that might still have a doctrinal basis and real pastoral relationships are terrible. It is not a concern, at least not a daily concern, of most of the congregation. It is a concern for say "the grandkids." But this generation unlike prior generations just isn't going to pressure "the kids." And ultimately many have made Hezekiah type decisions - "Not while I'm alive."
Hence, you end up talking about it in select times and spaces. And even then, do you really have an answer for them?
Never have I heard pastors talk about this. Outside of maybe Michael Foster (some sort of Reformed) and Michael Clary (SBC I think?) talking about it occasionally, but certainly never in real life.
I've tried to bring these issues up at the large SBC church in my city and I'm a single man so doesnt matter if I have professional bona fides, it just comes off as whining. That particular church, I might add, has a "singles ministry" of 15+ men ranging from 18-40something, 1 or 2 women at most. Certainly I see parents and grandparents starting to get concerned, however. Their sons and grandsons are in the same boat as me.
This discussion should probably be read through broader global trends of declining birthrates generally, even in Africa where the rates are in decline and will be below population replenishment by 2100. Or one can read this weekend's NYT about the plummeting birth rates in China. In short, this is an issue that is wider than the immediate American context with its particular cultural conditions.
I think many pastors and elders are afraid of these topics because they do not offer the same "security" as preaching on spiritual doctrines where there is à consensus, books, etc. Dealing with these issues requires a certain amount of courage, curiosity, and acceptance of a certain level of risk, especially the risk of making mistakes or lacking nuance. These are traits that I believe are quite masculine.
An argument that I sadly heard is that these kinds of topics are controversial and risk causing division..., while unity is not an ends but a fruit.
On another subject, what is quite remarkable is that social media, by targeting boys and girls differently, practically recognises that genderism-wokism-transim is a masquerade.
Interesting turn-around in these numbers. tradutionally men were all about women's looks while women were more about men's character-- or more crassly, their bank accounts. But maybe not? Did something change or was it always thus?
Terry, I’ve followed your work for many years and have deep respect for your contributions. On this issue, however, I believe your framing does not fully reflect the realities of women today. I lead a women’s network and closely track trends in female empowerment, and over the past decade the shift has been profound. With greater access to education and economic independence, women are no longer motivated to “settle.” Instead, they are seeking men who can bring grounded masculine leadership, emotional presence, and intentionality at a level higher than previous generations.
I agree with your broader premise, but my travels—including time spent in Korea—have made one thing clear: remnants of traditional patriarchy no longer resonate with young women. They do not want to be treated as secondary or self-sacrificing in the way their mothers often were. In fact, many explicitly say, “I don’t want my mother’s life.” This is true even for my daughters as well.
I also hear consistently that many men today struggle to initiate, take risks, travel, or lead relationally. This is not a moral failing, but it does signal a real need for coaching and mentorship to help men step more fully into connection and leadership with women.
I would welcome the opportunity to speak with you and share the trends we are observing firsthand. Women have changed dramatically in the last ten years. For relationships to thrive, men must evolve as well—learning to lead in ways that genuinely speak to the modern female heart.
Finally, I believe the church carries a profound responsibility to help men succeed in dating, marriage, and the formation of healthy families. This will require equipping men to meet women as they are today—rather than blaming technology, pop culture or social media. Men need practical tools, guidance, and formation that enable them to connect with women in new and meaningful ways, appropriate to the realities of modern life.
Shirin Taber, Executive Director, Empower Women Media
P.S. If you are open to it, I would love to continue the conversation with you. Feel free to reach out at:shirin@empowerwomen.media
I have wondered why everyone gets so excited about falling below the replacement birthrate. If the birthrate never falls below that rate, the population will continue to increase. Why isn't it possible for the population to decline and then stabilize at a lower population. I understand that there will be a tough transition. I don't know for how long. But I don't believe that declining population requires that humans are going extinct. We've had declining populations before during war and pestilence.
I get non-subscriber posts from Cartoons Hate Her (CHH), a 36 year-old married woman, living in San Francisco with two IVF children. She carefully hides her identity, thus the CHH title. What she majors in, often in a humorous way, is just the kind of topic you discuss here.
She both explores data and creates it. The data you cite I've heard from her before. Her own studies suggest that part of the reason is that men just don't spend as much time as women trying to look good. She is pro-natalist and explores anti-natalist attitudes. She argues that her data shows that men aren't rejecting women because they make too much money. She likes to confront the clichés about modern relationships.
I have tried to interact with her in the past, but have unable to get a response.
Do you talk about it? Sure. But I'd argue two other things. 1) Due to the boomer worship wars and the anemic doctrinal quality of the winners in those wars, most churches don't have a basis from which to address this. They are functionally antinomian and at least part of this is the law's advice on your best life. They are also missing the more traditional pastoral relationship that could talk about tough things. The disgruntled bus runs non-stop these days. 2) The demographics of the congregations that might still have a doctrinal basis and real pastoral relationships are terrible. It is not a concern, at least not a daily concern, of most of the congregation. It is a concern for say "the grandkids." But this generation unlike prior generations just isn't going to pressure "the kids." And ultimately many have made Hezekiah type decisions - "Not while I'm alive."
Hence, you end up talking about it in select times and spaces. And even then, do you really have an answer for them?
Never have I heard pastors talk about this. Outside of maybe Michael Foster (some sort of Reformed) and Michael Clary (SBC I think?) talking about it occasionally, but certainly never in real life.
I've tried to bring these issues up at the large SBC church in my city and I'm a single man so doesnt matter if I have professional bona fides, it just comes off as whining. That particular church, I might add, has a "singles ministry" of 15+ men ranging from 18-40something, 1 or 2 women at most. Certainly I see parents and grandparents starting to get concerned, however. Their sons and grandsons are in the same boat as me.
An army of grandparents would be a force that pastors could not ignore.
This discussion should probably be read through broader global trends of declining birthrates generally, even in Africa where the rates are in decline and will be below population replenishment by 2100. Or one can read this weekend's NYT about the plummeting birth rates in China. In short, this is an issue that is wider than the immediate American context with its particular cultural conditions.
The article says that. A friend in Nigeria asked pastors to name the issues that affect their ministries the most. Smartphones ranked high.
Very sadly, never.
I think many pastors and elders are afraid of these topics because they do not offer the same "security" as preaching on spiritual doctrines where there is à consensus, books, etc. Dealing with these issues requires a certain amount of courage, curiosity, and acceptance of a certain level of risk, especially the risk of making mistakes or lacking nuance. These are traits that I believe are quite masculine.
An argument that I sadly heard is that these kinds of topics are controversial and risk causing division..., while unity is not an ends but a fruit.
On another subject, what is quite remarkable is that social media, by targeting boys and girls differently, practically recognises that genderism-wokism-transim is a masquerade.
Phrase I started using in 1992: The separation of church and life.